what i could be

i'm finding that as a woman there is always more one can do to improve.

physically. spiritually. emotionally.

it's a lot of work. draining at times. but i can guarantee myself that its worth it.

will fulfillment and satisfaction come? its to the eye of the beholder.

what is success is failure to another. and vice versa.

to each his own.

off to a new adventure.

moving into my freshman college apartment tomorrow morning.

welcome week through monday.

and then tuesday is the first day of school.

crazy how these things work.

new happiness.

new stress.

new perspective.

BrInG iT oN uMd

Best Friends Pop Your Zits and Tell You When Your Roots are Bad.

Fun day with Jen & Al.

We worked out.

Felt soooooo good!

Had dinner with my fam.

Dyed our hair.

Mission accomplished.

7 days til college.

State Fair tomorrow.

Mall day with Erika.

Erikas engagement pictures.

Winona trip this weekend.

Carrie Underwood concert next week.

I am now on a diet...

Not cause I hate myself, but because I realize that I don't want to become ridiculously unhealthy or gain any weight.

I want to lose weight. Not cause I hate where I am at, but because I know where I am at is not healthy for me.

So I will chose to remain vegan, drink lots of water, workout, lift weights, take supplements & such, keep up my appearance, and monitor my weight.

I feel so relieved. I need to follow through with it now.

I am challenging myself because I know I am capable.

Being healthy will work wonders for the rest of my life.

In God I trust.

Somethings Gotta Change.

I hope you're happy.

Truth is all that matters is that we enter Gods kingdom.

Truth also is that isn't attained unless one loves God.

What we choose to do with our life is up to us.

We are free to make mistakes.

We mature.

What is right or wrong is defined by our personal morals, opinions, beliefs, and feelings.

Only in our heart do we know what we truly want.

What others say is mere opinion.

What sucks is when we don't listen and they're right.

Whats awesome is when we do what we think is right and it is right.

So when does one know where to draw the line and when to cross it.

When do we play it safe or risk it all.

The questions linger deep inside us.

Since we don't know an answer: We take a risk.

Risking it all or risking regret.

It makes me wonder: Whats worth risking it all?

Love. Wealth. Happiness. Peace of mind.

Possibly.

We're all trying to find a pill to num the pain.

Pass the pain.

We have no good within ourselves.

We need to pray for help.

I need you so much closer.

just relaxing in allies bed.

its love.

sleepover night? yes!

13 days until UMD.

that is all.

If I had a dick, this is the part where I would say suck it like its 1984 bitches.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

Today I got up at the crack of dawn for work. Slow day to say the least.

Yesterday I cleaned out my room. 19 bags of give away. 6 trash bags of trash... and still counting. I can hardly believe all of that stuff fit in there. I felt so accomplished and relieved. But I should have known.. that it wasn't all roses and daisies. Today I had the epiphany that I had to upload software onto my laptop. Then it hit me. I had no idea where it was and I had most likely thrown it away. Yeah thats where the explicits started to kick in. I came home from work and immediately tore apart my room and all the bags I had packed up. 3 hours later.. Nothing. I still have not found it and I am frustrated beyond measure. Hopefully tonight I can persuade my family to help me search for the little bastard of a cd. Pardon my french. =]

College is 22 days away.

I still have to buy my books & apartment everything, as well as sign up for many things. I have doctor and dentist appointments to attend. Shopping for a wedding gown with my sister. Nit picky things. And a last bit of fun to be had.

To be honest I'm not excited for college. No amount of swisher sweets or bud light could change my mind.

My roommates are.. well.. shitty. Not to judge.. but my first impression of them is not good and both my family and friends share the same impression.

My classes are ridiculously hard. Studying is going to be non stop if I want C's in my classes. And my parents will only fund my education if I have a B plus average.

My pyscho/in love with me ex is going to be there. -- I don't want to see you anymore. I'm just not that strong. I love it when you're here, but I'm better when you're gone.

My besties aren't going to be there. HOLLA JENNAAYNAYY AND ALPAL! I love them with all my heart.

I'm going to miss my family.

I most likely will be broke after first semester due to paying for books, food, apartment furnishings, etc.

However, I am putting my trust in God. This is what I wanted right? Yes.

I wanted independence in a non sheltered environment. I want to stay faithful to God throughout it all. I want to excel when no one believes in me.

This is the part where dreams become reality and when "I want to" and "I'd like to" turns to I CAN.

God is faithful to the end.

roses and thorns

idk what the future holds.

its crazy, ridiculous, and i have a love hate relationship with it.

for now: screw everything i used to think was set in stone.

im just gonna stand here and watch you burn.

"Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form."

Pete.. this ones for you.

I mean so much to you.

You mean something to me.

Dinner and a show.

On our anniversary.

I feel so set up.

I want our time spent together after breaking up not to be a date... wtf. I'd rather just talk. Stop trying to win me back.

No impressing needed. I already know fully what you are capable.

I know I gave little reason for breaking up.. but its because something doesn't feel right. I'm not happy. You don't make my knees weak. Or perhaps the thought of marriage scares me.

How can one be so sure of something? How do you know when its right? Maybe thats cause I've never felt the right yet. Thats why I had to take action.

I'm sorry it took so long for me to do this. I should have pushed you away sooner. Because I knew months ago. I should have refused your kisses and I should have ran the second I felt that gut feeling that it wasn't right.

Its harsh - But you are just a check list to me. You are just mr. right for a different woman.

I can talk to you for hours and it would be a shame to lose that friendship, but I can't lose my ground or soul.

No chemistry. Sorry maybe you feel it, but not me.

Faking it- Im good at that.

Flirting - a hobby of mine.

Right now I have to trust in God. Give me a month, give yourself a month. Then lets talk. Possibly be friends or whatever God and our hearts will.

i know i could have saved our love that night

i was never serious about our relationship because i was so sure it wouldnt work out.. that i would get hurt or let down.. so i made sure to never involve too much of me. to never give in to loving you. and look how it ended up. i dumped you because you fell for me while i was just playing along. funny how we screw ourselves over.

dentist appointment later today.

currently whitening my teeth- haha im lame.

then grocery shopping for a picnic later with rachel, allie and possibly tay.

and before the picnic im goin tannnnninggg!! yeahhh babyyy!

later alligator ;)

take everything you just told me and apply it to your life

currently i'm watching the hills with erika.

lately i have a lot on my mind.

i dyed my hair red.

broke up with pete.

alaska in 2 weeks.

college in less than 2 months.

i've hung out with allison for 15 days straight. were hanging out again tomorrow. holy cow. jen and allie- im gonna go through withdrawl when i leave for duluth. they are real. 2 real is better than 3454 fake. i love them to death. they mean so much to me.

i'm nervous and excited about meeting new people.

i don't know if i made the right choice in dumping pete.

i need to work on being a better daughter and sibling.

i want to fall in love. deep in love.

i need to trust in God more than ever now.. i will never let him go.. its a promise i made to myself and a promise God made to me.

i am getting tanner and its helping my self confidence... im starting to feel more beautiful and less like a blob. its so superficial and it frusterates me but right now i could care less..

the twilight series reflects everybodys relationships.

kids movies are awesome.

biaaabiaaabiaaaa. byeeee

allies single vent

"Friend Zone" the eternal smoldering hell of a bond between two people which is severed by the selfish ambitions of one such unfortunate individual to want to remain as only friends. It is mortally impossible to not want to decapitate the individual who will not commit to what they have already been involved with. This such a person deserves nothing more than even the slightest glance of a second looking toward their general direction. These kinds of fatal individuals cannot make up their insufferable minds. They want what they want, but they want what they do no have. They want what only makes a genuine heart shatter because of a merciless decision to break a tie which is forever then standing in the foreshadowing "gray area" known as the "friend zone." It is not fair. It is pain. Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not self-seeking, love keeps no records of wrongs. Don't tell me this is what's best for me. You tell me that you love me. You love the idea of me. You love the idea of me only as a precious and ever so fragile friend who you get to smother with "kindness" until we cannot breathe anymore. This is not love. Do not tell me that you love me. You protrude the opposite of sincerity. You demise the being of another. You do not know what you do. Your words are not heard because they canter a scandalous ring of abhorrent verbs and nouns strung together only by lies and hopes that you never meant to fulfill. The detestable words which linger in the air only prove your true nature, your true character. Nothing more than a wrenching heart breaker. The appalling nature you've displayed throughout the years only shatters any chance of a future. It honestly surprises me how hurtful you are, how hurtful your being.

mother trucker

i dont love you.

this is so incredibly hard for me. trust me ive been struggling with this for some time now. i didnt and dont want to regret anything so ive been holding off this decision. but i realized that if i keep wondering on this then its not what i want.

i know... shame on me for doing this to you. you dont deserve this. you are absolutely wonderful. you are going to make some girl the happiest girl in the world someday. and i sure as hell dont deserve you.. thats why its so hard for me to let go.

but heres some truths ive figured out for myself.

1) i dont want to be alone

2) im using you to fill a void i have, even if it doesnt feel just right

3) its going to be hard as hell to disclose my whole life to someone else like i did to you

4) i cant use or continue to play games with someone as good as you.. you deserve someone who loves you

5) you are hot even if you dont believe it like omg you dont need to worry about your weight

6) you treat a girl soooooo right, your mom raised you right

7) im painfully aware that i may never find someone else as amazing as you but im going to have to take the risk

8) i helped you find God, but in the process i lost him

9) youre my best friend

10) i feel little "spark" for you

11) i blow you off because i dont miss you

12) dont hurt yourself now that ive told you this

13) and yes i am aware im breaking my own heart and yours.

man im crying cause im on the fence about this

to break up or to stay together...

when to break up or whether to not at all....

damn.

this sucks.

i wish my self esteem was better than this to think that someone out there might love me.... but honestly its shit. thats probably why im still with you. and its just harsh reality... im not "loveable" or "attractive" for that "perfect guy" that makes you really excited to see them.. damn i hate this.

back to junk food, tv dates with myself and soul searching.

its over.

i sure hope i dont regret this as much as i think i will....

fuck bitch hoe tramp shit bastard... just the start of all my emotion.

but i havent done it yet so back to complication, then hating myself some more..

ShIt!

maybe i'll give it another week.

im so indecisive its annoyingggggggg

new day new outlook

mark got me iced tea. i am a happy camper.
off to work.
then possibly off to tanning to spend a shit load of money on fake baking.
dumb? YES. but to me, i feel as if its worth it. because i just want to do something for me today. something that will make me all around happy.
baha. toodles.

manerexic lover

Your anerexia makes me fell like shit.
Just sayin.

Baby you are beautiful.

Today I woke up on a pull out matress in my best friends basement. She is honestly gorgeous. Without makeup, tasseled bed head hair and in pj's - shes stunning. Even if I didnt know how beautiful she was on the inside I would still think she is beyond pretty. But wanna know what frusterates me? She cant see this. Worried about the little things and even her weight. I wish I could smash every scale in the world. I know they serve purposes but hey if I could stop the tears and constant thoughts that run through a girls head for a breif second, or even just filter them, it would be worth it.
Words. The things that build us up and tear us down.
Mirrors. The things that affirm and create our self concept as well as destroy our souls. Over dramatic? Maybe. But better to be safe than applying our misery.
And not just that one girl. The girl that means everything to me. But every girl who second guesses their worth.

rain rain go away

today was a blah day.
woke up, went to the doctors. had tests taken for a mystery condition i have. (hopefully its nothing big) and then went grocery shopping, came home watched tv. and now work at the gas station tonight.
i spent yesterday & last night cleaning. major cleaning.
my whole car held two loads of laudry and three trash cans of junk.
my sisters room- which i currently live in - since my own is a mess - is almost completely clean now. my room- well... im working on it.
this weekend is my grad party! woot woot. i have mixed emotions on it because i dont enjoy attention when its for me. i prefer having a party for a friend rather than myself. weird? maybe. but thats how i am.
anyways rather than it just being a run down of my schedule, this all really does tie in together.
my aunt and grandma are coming for the weekend as well as my sister and they all need clean rooms and beds to sleep in.
also i found out that my sister is moving home for the summer!!
so much news lately!
ive been considering taking photography more seriously lately. its such a beautiful expression and flattering to God as he created all things.
i finding out that i take my relationship for granted. if i dont want to end up like those MTV relationships- i need to put effort into it and put myself out there to have the potiential of getting hurt, but also the potiential to really fall in love.
im feeling sick so i think i shall take a nap before work or perhaps find another way to waste my time.
later alligator.

atta girl

sunday.

the day of rest.

its soo beautiful out today. its days like these that make minnesota so wonderful. if it wasnt for the 4 seasons the weather would be easily overlooked and taken for annoying.

still in bed. planning. the day is young and the opportunities vast.

one day til jen leaves :( im gonna miss her way to much. i already miss her and i saw her the other night... ugh. this is a glimpse of college.. i know it.

not goodbye but see ya later. i gotta keep that in mind.

dang nabit

you made a stubborn girl fall in love. but goodbye.

i'll always ditch you.

i desire solitude.

refusal. thats my problem. denying what i really am and feel for some made up reality i have created for myself.

everyone says were all so different, when were really all the same.

courage. what i lack.

i dont want to be another problem of yours but your attention feels so good.

welcome to shit stop

emo. thats how i feel right now.

im worn out. i just want to sleep the day away.

i have soo much to do at home, namely cleaning.

grad parties- handfuls of them today. havent gone to any.

3 reasons:

1) no one to go with

2) supposed to be hanging out with my bf

3) i dont feel like it

am i being a let down? you betcha.

just got home from work. yuck. spending all the time alone while the weather is gloomy with various "check ups" from my boss and manager. ridiculous. go play golf and let me do my job.

i cant handle crabby customers. they ruin my day.

im trying to do my best.

my job is average. my job makes me feel worthless.

i need the job for college money.

i just want to be an old cat lady right now.

time to figure out my life.

toodles.

be not at home at 2:00am

stress.

chains. expectations.

the past haunts me. and the current is ringing me out.

frustration. cant make everyone happy. which results in not being happy also.

i need down time so badly, but have too many commitments.

self centered, huh? im so lucky to be where im at with who im at and i still find reasons to complain. -- it makes me wonder how jesus felt when so much time and attention was demanded of him, even when it was others persecuting him.

i am so well off.

i must remind myself of this before i lose control over petty stressers.

patience and endurance. thats what i need.

do it again

im a people pleaser.

it most likely will be the death of me.

designer shades just to hide your face

monday. ugh.

spent the day at school. then driving youngin's around. pool. now homework.

i'm not sure i like this cycle.

the weather is too hot and i just seem so conflicted in my heart.

drama has calmed down at school.

less than 2 weeks til summer. then 3 months til freedom.

i want to write books but i cant seem to start.

i need dedication.

a patient endurance.

i've been soooo self conscious lately. i'm gaining weight. i know it. i don't even dare step on the scale. i'm overweight, i'm sure. it burns my eyes to see that fat that jiggles all over my body. it makes me want to hide in a corner or starve myself til my ribs stick out. then i'll walk the streets. in my swim suit. screw curves and average- i want to be media beautiful.

i have awesome best friends. (jen and allie)

my two closest are single and have problems with men right now.

ugh i want them to feel the rush of love and know that they are worth it.

i'd give a bullet for them.

we're parting next year for college. i will not shed a single tear, but rather a flood.

im going to miss them soooo much. no one knows me like they do.

God- wow i need to spend more time seeking him. i've been so self centered lately.

i need to evaluate my life and rearrange my life.