roses and thorns

idk what the future holds.

its crazy, ridiculous, and i have a love hate relationship with it.

for now: screw everything i used to think was set in stone.

im just gonna stand here and watch you burn.

"Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form."

Pete.. this ones for you.

I mean so much to you.

You mean something to me.

Dinner and a show.

On our anniversary.

I feel so set up.

I want our time spent together after breaking up not to be a date... wtf. I'd rather just talk. Stop trying to win me back.

No impressing needed. I already know fully what you are capable.

I know I gave little reason for breaking up.. but its because something doesn't feel right. I'm not happy. You don't make my knees weak. Or perhaps the thought of marriage scares me.

How can one be so sure of something? How do you know when its right? Maybe thats cause I've never felt the right yet. Thats why I had to take action.

I'm sorry it took so long for me to do this. I should have pushed you away sooner. Because I knew months ago. I should have refused your kisses and I should have ran the second I felt that gut feeling that it wasn't right.

Its harsh - But you are just a check list to me. You are just mr. right for a different woman.

I can talk to you for hours and it would be a shame to lose that friendship, but I can't lose my ground or soul.

No chemistry. Sorry maybe you feel it, but not me.

Faking it- Im good at that.

Flirting - a hobby of mine.

Right now I have to trust in God. Give me a month, give yourself a month. Then lets talk. Possibly be friends or whatever God and our hearts will.

i know i could have saved our love that night

i was never serious about our relationship because i was so sure it wouldnt work out.. that i would get hurt or let down.. so i made sure to never involve too much of me. to never give in to loving you. and look how it ended up. i dumped you because you fell for me while i was just playing along. funny how we screw ourselves over.

dentist appointment later today.

currently whitening my teeth- haha im lame.

then grocery shopping for a picnic later with rachel, allie and possibly tay.

and before the picnic im goin tannnnninggg!! yeahhh babyyy!

later alligator ;)

take everything you just told me and apply it to your life

currently i'm watching the hills with erika.

lately i have a lot on my mind.

i dyed my hair red.

broke up with pete.

alaska in 2 weeks.

college in less than 2 months.

i've hung out with allison for 15 days straight. were hanging out again tomorrow. holy cow. jen and allie- im gonna go through withdrawl when i leave for duluth. they are real. 2 real is better than 3454 fake. i love them to death. they mean so much to me.

i'm nervous and excited about meeting new people.

i don't know if i made the right choice in dumping pete.

i need to work on being a better daughter and sibling.

i want to fall in love. deep in love.

i need to trust in God more than ever now.. i will never let him go.. its a promise i made to myself and a promise God made to me.

i am getting tanner and its helping my self confidence... im starting to feel more beautiful and less like a blob. its so superficial and it frusterates me but right now i could care less..

the twilight series reflects everybodys relationships.

kids movies are awesome.

biaaabiaaabiaaaa. byeeee

allies single vent

"Friend Zone" the eternal smoldering hell of a bond between two people which is severed by the selfish ambitions of one such unfortunate individual to want to remain as only friends. It is mortally impossible to not want to decapitate the individual who will not commit to what they have already been involved with. This such a person deserves nothing more than even the slightest glance of a second looking toward their general direction. These kinds of fatal individuals cannot make up their insufferable minds. They want what they want, but they want what they do no have. They want what only makes a genuine heart shatter because of a merciless decision to break a tie which is forever then standing in the foreshadowing "gray area" known as the "friend zone." It is not fair. It is pain. Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not self-seeking, love keeps no records of wrongs. Don't tell me this is what's best for me. You tell me that you love me. You love the idea of me. You love the idea of me only as a precious and ever so fragile friend who you get to smother with "kindness" until we cannot breathe anymore. This is not love. Do not tell me that you love me. You protrude the opposite of sincerity. You demise the being of another. You do not know what you do. Your words are not heard because they canter a scandalous ring of abhorrent verbs and nouns strung together only by lies and hopes that you never meant to fulfill. The detestable words which linger in the air only prove your true nature, your true character. Nothing more than a wrenching heart breaker. The appalling nature you've displayed throughout the years only shatters any chance of a future. It honestly surprises me how hurtful you are, how hurtful your being.

mother trucker

i dont love you.

this is so incredibly hard for me. trust me ive been struggling with this for some time now. i didnt and dont want to regret anything so ive been holding off this decision. but i realized that if i keep wondering on this then its not what i want.

i know... shame on me for doing this to you. you dont deserve this. you are absolutely wonderful. you are going to make some girl the happiest girl in the world someday. and i sure as hell dont deserve you.. thats why its so hard for me to let go.

but heres some truths ive figured out for myself.

1) i dont want to be alone

2) im using you to fill a void i have, even if it doesnt feel just right

3) its going to be hard as hell to disclose my whole life to someone else like i did to you

4) i cant use or continue to play games with someone as good as you.. you deserve someone who loves you

5) you are hot even if you dont believe it like omg you dont need to worry about your weight

6) you treat a girl soooooo right, your mom raised you right

7) im painfully aware that i may never find someone else as amazing as you but im going to have to take the risk

8) i helped you find God, but in the process i lost him

9) youre my best friend

10) i feel little "spark" for you

11) i blow you off because i dont miss you

12) dont hurt yourself now that ive told you this

13) and yes i am aware im breaking my own heart and yours.

man im crying cause im on the fence about this

to break up or to stay together...

when to break up or whether to not at all....

damn.

this sucks.

i wish my self esteem was better than this to think that someone out there might love me.... but honestly its shit. thats probably why im still with you. and its just harsh reality... im not "loveable" or "attractive" for that "perfect guy" that makes you really excited to see them.. damn i hate this.

back to junk food, tv dates with myself and soul searching.

its over.

i sure hope i dont regret this as much as i think i will....

fuck bitch hoe tramp shit bastard... just the start of all my emotion.

but i havent done it yet so back to complication, then hating myself some more..

ShIt!

maybe i'll give it another week.

im so indecisive its annoyingggggggg