new day new outlook

mark got me iced tea. i am a happy camper.
off to work.
then possibly off to tanning to spend a shit load of money on fake baking.
dumb? YES. but to me, i feel as if its worth it. because i just want to do something for me today. something that will make me all around happy.
baha. toodles.

manerexic lover

Your anerexia makes me fell like shit.
Just sayin.

Baby you are beautiful.

Today I woke up on a pull out matress in my best friends basement. She is honestly gorgeous. Without makeup, tasseled bed head hair and in pj's - shes stunning. Even if I didnt know how beautiful she was on the inside I would still think she is beyond pretty. But wanna know what frusterates me? She cant see this. Worried about the little things and even her weight. I wish I could smash every scale in the world. I know they serve purposes but hey if I could stop the tears and constant thoughts that run through a girls head for a breif second, or even just filter them, it would be worth it.
Words. The things that build us up and tear us down.
Mirrors. The things that affirm and create our self concept as well as destroy our souls. Over dramatic? Maybe. But better to be safe than applying our misery.
And not just that one girl. The girl that means everything to me. But every girl who second guesses their worth.

rain rain go away

today was a blah day.
woke up, went to the doctors. had tests taken for a mystery condition i have. (hopefully its nothing big) and then went grocery shopping, came home watched tv. and now work at the gas station tonight.
i spent yesterday & last night cleaning. major cleaning.
my whole car held two loads of laudry and three trash cans of junk.
my sisters room- which i currently live in - since my own is a mess - is almost completely clean now. my room- well... im working on it.
this weekend is my grad party! woot woot. i have mixed emotions on it because i dont enjoy attention when its for me. i prefer having a party for a friend rather than myself. weird? maybe. but thats how i am.
anyways rather than it just being a run down of my schedule, this all really does tie in together.
my aunt and grandma are coming for the weekend as well as my sister and they all need clean rooms and beds to sleep in.
also i found out that my sister is moving home for the summer!!
so much news lately!
ive been considering taking photography more seriously lately. its such a beautiful expression and flattering to God as he created all things.
i finding out that i take my relationship for granted. if i dont want to end up like those MTV relationships- i need to put effort into it and put myself out there to have the potiential of getting hurt, but also the potiential to really fall in love.
im feeling sick so i think i shall take a nap before work or perhaps find another way to waste my time.
later alligator.

atta girl

sunday.

the day of rest.

its soo beautiful out today. its days like these that make minnesota so wonderful. if it wasnt for the 4 seasons the weather would be easily overlooked and taken for annoying.

still in bed. planning. the day is young and the opportunities vast.

one day til jen leaves :( im gonna miss her way to much. i already miss her and i saw her the other night... ugh. this is a glimpse of college.. i know it.

not goodbye but see ya later. i gotta keep that in mind.

dang nabit

you made a stubborn girl fall in love. but goodbye.

i'll always ditch you.

i desire solitude.

refusal. thats my problem. denying what i really am and feel for some made up reality i have created for myself.

everyone says were all so different, when were really all the same.

courage. what i lack.

i dont want to be another problem of yours but your attention feels so good.

welcome to shit stop

emo. thats how i feel right now.

im worn out. i just want to sleep the day away.

i have soo much to do at home, namely cleaning.

grad parties- handfuls of them today. havent gone to any.

3 reasons:

1) no one to go with

2) supposed to be hanging out with my bf

3) i dont feel like it

am i being a let down? you betcha.

just got home from work. yuck. spending all the time alone while the weather is gloomy with various "check ups" from my boss and manager. ridiculous. go play golf and let me do my job.

i cant handle crabby customers. they ruin my day.

im trying to do my best.

my job is average. my job makes me feel worthless.

i need the job for college money.

i just want to be an old cat lady right now.

time to figure out my life.

toodles.

be not at home at 2:00am

stress.

chains. expectations.

the past haunts me. and the current is ringing me out.

frustration. cant make everyone happy. which results in not being happy also.

i need down time so badly, but have too many commitments.

self centered, huh? im so lucky to be where im at with who im at and i still find reasons to complain. -- it makes me wonder how jesus felt when so much time and attention was demanded of him, even when it was others persecuting him.

i am so well off.

i must remind myself of this before i lose control over petty stressers.

patience and endurance. thats what i need.